My Little Phonies: Friendship Is Money

I'm not good at networking. People don't believe me when I say this, because they know of me and think I'm everywhere. But I found my first tech job through a Craigslist ad and the second through a generic job posting board. I knew no one at either company. My first conference talk was the first time I had attended that conference, and I knew no one on the talks committee. My first pro fiction sale was an anonymous submission, all identifying information stripped off.

I didn't start attending networking events until I was already employed, and then it was mostly for the free food and air-conditioning. I handed out business cards (because my employer gave us fancy ones) and I collected other peoples’ cards to take home. I did nothing with them. I knew other people had business card binders, but I never got my act together. I did not get a job through those events.

Things that have helped me get jobs, in an intangible way:

• Asking my friend what programming language I should study

• Sitting with a group of women new hires at lunch

• Submitting and presenting conference talks on subjects I'm passionate about

• Writing blog posts

• Live-streaming Capture the Flag games on Twitch

• Talking about carnivorous plants at a weekend summer camp

• Shitposting on Twitter

• Sharing my hobbies

• Doing my job well

• Living my values

Being myself and seeking out people who share my interests has helped me build a long, strong career. It has not helped me get a specific job (I go through the same interview pipelines as everyone else), but it has opened some doors that were closed before, kept me in the loop on industry news, and gotten me invited to special events. More importantly, and I do mean this, these are wonderful friendships. Yes, we are in the same industry, but we also share recipes, TV shows, restaurant opinions, appliance recommendations, political insights, and jokes. 

“That's networking!” you might be saying to your screen. “You're saying you made friends, but you're using them to get jobs!” Yes, my budding psychopath, making friends is a type of networking. You can use your friends to get a job the same way you can use them to get a free babysitter.

But here's the thing: I'm only friends with people I want to be friends with. If I was truly only after wealth and prestige, I would still be in contact with some truly awful people. It is a ton of work to maintain a friendship with someone you hate. Careers are long, life is longer, and there will be many ups and downs. Make sure you're hanging with the people you like.

Likewise, as someone who has seen some success in my career, I can always tell when the people approaching me are seeking an advantage. And I can tell when someone who started as a friend now sees me as a commodity. It's not a good feeling. Don't be that person.

I've been thinking about new friendships as I go deeper into writing fiction. I specifically want creative friends, not network contacts, and I'm trying to do that mindfully. I want to surround myself with people who have similar artistic ideals and interests, who push me to be better, who are pushing themselves to be better, and whose wins are my wins.

With that in mind, here are some of the guidelines I'm following. Again, I never approach a potential friendship while thinking, “Oho this is my ticket to the Big Time.” But when looking back at my tech career these past ten years, I have noticed some behaviors that resulted in lasting and fulfilling friendships.

Befriend your cohort

Wherever you are in your career or sport or hobby, make friends with the people at your level. These are the people who will be in a similar place to you, help you grow, and will grow with you. Don't try to befriend the CEO or star athlete or best-selling author. They don't need friends. They already have friends from their own cohort.

Diversify your friends

Yes, this is a terrible phrase. I couldn't think of a better one. Basically, make friends with people outside of your specific niche. I stumbled into this accidentally in tech by being the only non-cis dude in my department who then sought out other non-cis dudes in other departments. Knowing people outside of your sliver of the universe will give you access to new information, new skills, new viewpoints, and new paths. Make friends with people in other teams, other companies, and other industries. Before Covid, I loved leaving work and seeing my friend at his bartending gig to discuss books, socioeconomics, politics, and more. There was no angle except enjoyable company. “Wait, how is that networking?” It's not! It's making friends! That's the whole point of this missive!

Celebrate your friends’ successes

This is the most important one and the most difficult. Especially when you yourself are not succeeding, you can really fuck this up. I have fucked this up. But you need to put in the work to rewire your brain to be happy for your friends, and celebrate their successes as though they are your own. This is helped by the previous point. If you aren't in direct competition with your friends for a job or gig, it's much easier to celebrate their successes. It's also easier to talk yourself out of jealousy. Oh, so my friend got a film deal for their robot unicorn book. Well, did I write a robot unicorn book? Four years ago? No, I didn't. They did. I'm happy for them.

(This entire post was inspired by seeing a book in a bookstore and thinking, “I know that author! How cool!” And loving that feeling. I want to experience that feeling more.)

In summary, stop sizing up people by what they can do for you. Stop approaching people with a LinkedIn profile in your mind. Meet new people outside of work, especially if they don’t do similar work to you. Don't stay friends with someone you dislike just because you think they will be a big success someday. Trading business cards is fine, but trading memes about niche horror films is better. Find people who like the same stuff you do, who open you to new things, and push you to be better. Don't let capitalism eat your whole brain. And be a good friend.

Writing News

I sold a story!

Hexagon is a quarterly speculative fiction magazine with beautiful covers that only publishes twenty stories a year.

My story, “Beasties Forever,” will be appearing in Issue 13 to kick off the fourth year of the magazine. Hexagon magazine subscribers already have access, and everyone else can read it June 1.

So, I'll be back in your inboxes very soon.

Cool Shit

Speaking of friends, let's see what some of mine are up to.

• The Infinity Particle by Wendy Xu. A YA graphic novel about a mechanic, a dreamy android, and the question of sentience. And maybe, if we're lucky, some kissing. Read a sample chapter and pre-order from your favorite bookstore.

• “As the Shore to the Tides, So Blood Calls to Blood” by Karlo Yeager Rodríguez. A dark fantasy novelette about blood magic, blood brothers, and bad blood that you can finish in an evening. Download the lovely ebook version here.

• The Marigold by Andrew F. Sullivan. Do you like The Last Of Us, Succession, and neither of those things? Then you should check out this neo-noir eco-body-horror novel about a near-future Toronto and the terrible secret consuming it from underneath. Get the ebook for $2.99 until May 26!